My Online Writings - 2004 - '07
VED from VICTORIA INSTITUTIONS
It is foretold! The torrential flow of inexorable destiny!
I did not read the full text, but did go through the main part of your experiences in marital life. There is no way for me to give you a help with regard to Indian judiciary and bureaucracy, which since 1947 have literally deteriorated in quality.
However as a researcher in language and its relationship to various things including customs, I do see a lot of things.
Your early marriage can be seen as a mistake, but then, there are many persons who married early and led a very blissful marriage. Also, there are persons who married at a very correct time, and still suffered a marital breakdown.
In India, even though the traditions and customs all bespeak of certain decorum in marriage, the fact is that they are scarcely practiced. For example, in Hindu customs, the father is giving his daughter to her husband; Kanyadhanam. As per Christian (Indian) customs, the husband takes over his wife. As per Muslim customs, the husband is the only possessor of the wife. And as per English customs, it is a link between a man and woman, and no other man or woman can stand inside this sacred arena.
When speaking about the legal aspect of man and woman married life relationship as it stands in connection to their respective relatives, I need to quote from the words of Lord Macaulay. Macaulay was the person who drafted the Indian laws. I am sure that most of the legal luminaries in India who drafted the Domestic Violence Act wouldn’t be much aware of these lines. It was written by Macaulay when his dear sister got married. His sister had been close to him, but then he insists the predominance of the new relationship that she was now having, and the relative insignificance of her affection to her brother in comparison.
The attachment between brothers and sisters, blameless, amiable, and delightful as it is, is so liable to be superseded by other attachments that no wise man ought to suffer it to become indispensable to him. That women shall leave the home of their birth, and contract ties dearer than those of consanguinity, is a law as ancient as the first records of the history of our race, and as unchangeable as the constitution of the human body and mind. To repine against the nature of things, and against the great fundamental law of all society because, in consequence of my own want of foresight, it happens to bear heavily on me, would be the basest and most absurd of selfishness.
Now what happens in India, is that marriage is not really between a man and a woman, even if all the scriptures say so. A marriage in India is between two families. Two families are getting connected, and everyone in the two families get connected and intertwined, by the simple act of marriage between two persons. In the feudal language social and familial condition, everyone come to position themselves at various levels in the new arrangement. Persons who get a very elevated position in the new set up are happy and promote the continuation of the marriage. Others simply try to keep apart.
Now, in Indian families, there is a pecking order or hierarchy command. You are to be more or less a sort of serving person to your father-in-law, mother-in-law and to the other elders in the family. The words for You, Your, He, His, For Him etc. in regard to you would change to that of a serving person’s. It is okay if you concede to this level. If you try to put on a pose of being superior, you will be hated by them.
Moreover, in every family, the parents to regard their children also in this manner. It is not that you or they have to be servers, but they should be there to lend to the list of followers to the parents. For it is the number of followers that makes a person a leader in the language. When a man marries a woman, he is more or less, taking away a follower of another person/s. If you also, add to their list of followers, then there no problem. If however, you try to take your wife away to your domain, then you are asking for trouble.
Basically, it is not connected to your in-laws bad attitude, but simply the Indian social system works that way in the vernacular.
When you are not liked by your in-laws, naturally whenever she goes to her house, she will be part of another hierarchy, wherein you are an outside. Moreover, in their words, and usages you may be a low level guy. You may know that these things can be added to your profile by a mere change of words for You, He etc.
You may be above them socially, financially, position wise, intellectually, or you may be below them in many or some of these attributes. In India, there is the practice of prospecting that takes care of this issue. In most cases, the uncles and aunts see to it that the new comer is one who can be under their benign command. Persons who can put on an act of being superior to their set up is not welcomed.
From their point of view, you did a terrible thing. You more or less took away their daughter when she was of a very immature age. When you are not in their scheme of hierarchy, it can add to the rancor.
In your marriage, there was no prospecting. When confronted with the issue of being on which side, she chose to be with her parents. Well, I don’t think she is fit to be your wife. It is her decision. Let her live with it.
As to divorce, if you are sure that she does not exist anymore in you as a passion, the sooner you do it, the better for your both. But then, she has chosen to fight it. Well, it is not her decision. For, in most Indian situations, the decision even if proclaimed to be self done, are usually the collective decision of her parents, uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws etc. Your wife stands only as a platform for all others to act out their vengeance and bravado.
Incidentally, I am interested to know if you had done a compatibility study of your horoscopes before marriage. Beyond that I would be interested to know if your star (nakshatra) is Punarvasu Punartham (nakshathram of Sri Rama).
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